family

Talking to My Mother About Child Abuse

Today, I had the opportunity to talk with my mother about child abuse. It was a really eye-opening experience.

I’m one of the lucky ones who grew up very loved by parents in a stable marriage. Mom and Dad have been married since 1978 and are still very much in love. My brother and I, even though we grew up in poverty, had a very good childhood. We never knew the struggles our parents had; they hid a lot from us to protect us, which now as an adult, I greatly appreciate. I’m able to have conversations with my parents, like the one I had today, as an adult when I can fully understand what is going on.

My conversation with my mother went all over the place, but it was really good!

We talked about what child abuse looked like when she was growing up, what it looked like when she was raising my brother and me, and what it looks like today.

We talked about children’s idea of child abuse and that sometimes the term is just thrown out there by children and doesn’t mean to them what it means to adults.

We talked about mandated reporting and the struggles with that.

We talked about foster care and adoption and how all a kid is to be wanted and loved.

She told me plenty of stories about us kids when we were little and that at least time while we were growing up, she was accused of abusing us.

  • One time was when she took my brother to the dentist. He had a little bit of decay on a loose baby tooth and the dentist said he’d report my parents to Child Protective Services if she didn’t fill the cavity. She explained that the tooth was loose, and it was a waste of money to fill it when it was bound to fall out soon. He disagreed. She never went back to that dentist.
  • The second time was when we were in Walmart and I was being my standard stubborn self. That’s an interesting story that I’ll just let you listen to her tell!

She also told me about some government assistance programs available for single mothers to help them get back on their feet. I think some of these programs are really great, especially because to stay on them, the mothers must attend classes each month. Those classes give the mothers the tools to be successful with raising their children, maintaining a job, and more. I think we need more educational programs like this.

If you’re interested in helping the child abuse situation, I encourage you to consider being a foster family. If this is too big of a step for you, you can still help end child abuse by talking about with friends and family and calling your local Child Protective Services office and asking how you can help!

Thank you for reading this post and I highly encourage you listen to our podcasts! All of them can be found here.

Posted on by Mary Gondringer | Leave a comment

Is the System Broken?

While I’ve been a teacher, I’ve had to report multiple students and situations to the authorities. In this blog post, I will be sharing two of these situations.

Read on to find out what it’s really like to file a report.

Jackie

My first incident happened during my first-year teaching. I was a one-year long term substitute, so the students knew I wouldn’t be returning the next school year. A lot of them were sad and tried to convince me to stay. They were young, so they didn’t understand that I couldn’t.

It happened during May.

I was on the far east side of Wisconsin attending my cousin’s wedding when I received this Instagram message from, Jackie (name changed for privacy), one of my students. It’s hard to read.

It is true that she had tried to contact me multiple times via my personal social media, and I had always ignored her messages. Up until this point, her messages had really only consisted of saying how much she was going to miss me the next year and begging me to stick around.

After reading the message, I immediately tried to call the local police department, but I didn’t have enough cell phone service to make the phone call. I tried multiple times and the call kept failing. It was Saturday and I did not have phone numbers of anyone at my school so I couldn’t text anyone.

So, I did the next best thing. I took screenshots of the message and emailed them to the school counselor. In the email, I explained my situation and requested that she call the police.

I left it at that and hoped I’d see Jackie on Monday in my classroom.

I walked into the lion’s den when I got back to work on Monday.

The counselor brought me into her office and said my actions over the weekend were uncalled for. She said I should have never raised that alarm because this girl had a history of crying wolf and all I did was make myself look bad by “overreacting.” She said forwarded the message to the police (I’m not sure if she emailed it or if she called them) and they went to do a welfare check on the girl, but she was fine.

The principal brought me into his office and said I didn’t deal with the situation correctly. He said there was no reason to email the counselor because she couldn’t do anything about the situation and that I should have called the police department. I explained that I didn’t have enough service to make the call. He didn’t believe me and said I could have been responsible for a student’s suicide.

The school resource officer said I wasted everyone’s time by raising the red flag. He said she likes to cry wolf and there was no reason for me to forward the request. He said I wasted the police department’s time because they legally had to check out the situation and when they arrived at her house, everything was fine.

Basically, I had caused a lot of trouble for a lot of people because I went through the steps to report a concern about a child.

That was the day I learned the system is broken. There is no reason all of those people should have been mad at me for responding the way I did when I received that message. We should have worked together to make sure Jackie was safe. There should have been no hard feelings or anger toward me.

I would have considered the situation child abuse had I NOT raised the red flag.

Today, Jackie is a happy and healthy adult. We communicate every once and awhile on social media. She’s recently engaged to a wonderful and kind man and I truly think she is going to lead a very successful life!

Kristin

My second story is another story of a broken system.

This time, the abuse was talked about in my classroom.

Kristin (name changed for privacy), an 8th grader, stayed after class one day to talk to me. She apologized for being so behind in my class and said it was because she’s very busy at home. Naturally, I asked why she was so busy. It was alarming that an 8th grader was genuinely too busy to get her homework finished.

Kristin explained that when she gets home, she had to begin preparing supper for her family. She lived with her dad, her dad’s girlfriend, and her five other siblings.

She said, beyond this, she had to watch the kids, and do all the house work. She cleaned, cooked, did everyone’s laundry, and more.

I was shocked to hear a thirteen-year-old girl was taking care of the house like she was, so I asked why she did all of that.

She said her dad forced her to and if she didn’t, she didn’t get to eat supper that night.

I asked about the girlfriend, and if she helped in any way. She said the girlfriend was basically her “monitor” and if she didn’t get something done, or if she didn’t do it well, or if she snuck food while she was cooking, or basically if she did anything “wrong,” the girlfriend would tell the father and Kristin would go hungry that night. Beyond this, the girlfriend told Kristin that the purpose in her dating her father was most definitely not to keep his house clean OR to be a mother to his kids.

Yikes!

Kristin continued on, telling me more horrible things. The more she told me, the more I knew she was being abused.

As a mandated reporter, I am expected to report situations like this. I reported Kristin’s situation to the country Child Protective Services.

Shortly thereafter, the school received information from the county that basically said there was no reason for the complaint, and that there is nothing out of the ordinary going on in Kristin’s home.

That same day, Kristin came into my class, visibly angry. She stayed after class again, but this time, we didn’t have a conversation.

Kristin simply looked at me and said, “You remember all that stuff I told you? It was all a lie. My dad’s girlfriend does all the work around the house. I don’t do any of it. I eat supper every night. Stay away from my family.” And she turned and stormed out.

I’m not sure what happened to Kristin after I made that report and what caused her to come and tell me everything was a lie, but I do know that it must have been something that added to the abuse. I suspect she was told to cover up what she had told me, or even to make it go away. I presume she was somehow threatened. Situations like hers really hurt, because I know I can’t do anything to make it better.

Kristin’s situation makes me realize again that the system is broken. Kids that need help cannot get it because they’re forced to lie or they’re threatened, or whatever. It’s so very sad and it hurts my heart knowing I can’t do anything to help in these situations.

I don’t know where Kristin is today. I lost track of her when I left that school. I sincerely hope she’s doing well!

Is the system truly broken? Or have I just had a bout of bad experiences trying to help these students?

Posted on by Mary Gondringer | Leave a comment

Home Alone and Child Abuse

Recently, I watched Home Alone with my students.

I’ve always loved this Christmas classic. I’ve watched it every year since I can remember. It wasn’t until I was watching it with my students that I realized the real problem with this movie.

My students laughed at the treatment Kevin received.

They laughed.

They laughed at him after his mother grabbed his wrist and asked, “What is the matter with you?” after he got in a fight with his older brother, Buzz, and accidentally spilled some milk.

They laughed when his dad (or uncle maybe?) yelled, “Look what you did you little jerk.”

They laughed with his siblings and cousins joined in. “Kevin, you’re such a disease.” “Phlegm wad.” “Idiot.”

Poor Kevin even asked his mother, “Why do I always get treated like skunk?” Her reply? “There are fifteen people in this house and you’re the only one that has to make trouble.”

Kevin replies, “I’m the only one getting dumped on.”

His mother responds, “You’re the only one acting up.” She then forces him up to the third floor of their house when Kevin is clearly scared to venture up there.

As Kevin walked up the stairs, he stopped to look at his mother and say, “Everyone in this family hates me.”

At that point, she could have done the motherly thing and reassured him. She could have told him that his comment wasn’t true, that she loves him, that his father loves him. Instead, she told him that maybe he should ask Santa for a new family.

Of course, the verbal abuse isn’t the worst part. They left him home alone when they went on a trip to Paris!

The entire premise of the movie is based on child abuse – neglect.

And the whole time, my students were rolling in laughter.

That led me to wonder if movies like this have made child abuse normalized in a way. Do people think this is the proper way to treat children? Why do we use children’s misfortune as a source of laughter and comedic relief? Now, I know Macaulay Culkin (the actor that plays Kevin) was not actually being abused or neglected, that he was simply portraying a character, but I still maintain my point. Using children’s misfortune as comedic relief is absolutely asinine.

This inspired me to create this video about Hollywood’s use of child abuse in their movies. Some of the examples might shock you. Check it out and let us know how you feel about using child abuse in movies!

Posted on by Mary Gondringer | Leave a comment

The Battlefield of Our House

My father was a nice man, and you could tell that he loved his family. Even though he wasn’t mean all the time, he had an extremely bad temper mixed with severe anger problems. As a child, I never really knew how my actions would make him react and I often walked on eggshells. His anger and rage were often like a minefield and I never knew when he was going to explode, so I spent a significant amount of time in my bedroom with the door locked. (Picture Credit: Google – Memegenerator.net)

I can recall one specific time when I had gone swimming with a friend of mine, and I don’t think I told him where I was going. This was before parents sent their children with phones, so he didn’t have any way to get in contact with me. When my friend’s mom brought me home, I remember my mom was so relieved to see me, because she was so worried. My dad, on the other hand, was beyond pissed and you could tell because he was redder than red. He yelled at me and told me to go to my room, so I did as he demanded. Now I understand that he was angry and was probably worried, but I didn’t fully understand how upset he was until he came into my room.

All I can remember was him yelling at me, telling me how stupid I was, and reminding me how lucky I was that I was a girl otherwise he would’ve beat me like I was a boy. I was crying hysterically when suddenly he punched me in my face. He hit me so hard that I fell backwards and hit the back of my head on my dresser. I remember screaming for my mom and she came rushing in the room, to my aid. My dad just left the room unmoved by what he had done. Later we discovered that I had a huge bruise/scar on my face, and I was bleeding from this huge cut on my head.

This was only one of many instances where my father was physically abusive, and he was also extremely verbally abusive. I vowed that when I became a parent, I would NEVER put my child(ren) through such demeaning and inhumane treatment. While these experiences were traumatic at the time, I’ve been able to grow beyond it and I’ve become a more compassionate and loving parent because of it. Now that I’m a parent, I refuse to sit back and let any type of abuse happen to my son, my future children, or any other child – regardless if they’re my child or not.

Posted on by Tameya Robinson | Leave a comment