neglect

Talking to My Mother About Child Abuse

Today, I had the opportunity to talk with my mother about child abuse. It was a really eye-opening experience.

I’m one of the lucky ones who grew up very loved by parents in a stable marriage. Mom and Dad have been married since 1978 and are still very much in love. My brother and I, even though we grew up in poverty, had a very good childhood. We never knew the struggles our parents had; they hid a lot from us to protect us, which now as an adult, I greatly appreciate. I’m able to have conversations with my parents, like the one I had today, as an adult when I can fully understand what is going on.

My conversation with my mother went all over the place, but it was really good!

We talked about what child abuse looked like when she was growing up, what it looked like when she was raising my brother and me, and what it looks like today.

We talked about children’s idea of child abuse and that sometimes the term is just thrown out there by children and doesn’t mean to them what it means to adults.

We talked about mandated reporting and the struggles with that.

We talked about foster care and adoption and how all a kid is to be wanted and loved.

She told me plenty of stories about us kids when we were little and that at least time while we were growing up, she was accused of abusing us.

  • One time was when she took my brother to the dentist. He had a little bit of decay on a loose baby tooth and the dentist said he’d report my parents to Child Protective Services if she didn’t fill the cavity. She explained that the tooth was loose, and it was a waste of money to fill it when it was bound to fall out soon. He disagreed. She never went back to that dentist.
  • The second time was when we were in Walmart and I was being my standard stubborn self. That’s an interesting story that I’ll just let you listen to her tell!

She also told me about some government assistance programs available for single mothers to help them get back on their feet. I think some of these programs are really great, especially because to stay on them, the mothers must attend classes each month. Those classes give the mothers the tools to be successful with raising their children, maintaining a job, and more. I think we need more educational programs like this.

If you’re interested in helping the child abuse situation, I encourage you to consider being a foster family. If this is too big of a step for you, you can still help end child abuse by talking about with friends and family and calling your local Child Protective Services office and asking how you can help!

Thank you for reading this post and I highly encourage you listen to our podcasts! All of them can be found here.

Posted on by Mary Gondringer | Leave a comment

Child Abuse Resources

Child Abuse Resources

With all this talk about the ISSUE of child abuse and child maltreatment, where are all the resources? This post is specifically focused on resources to prevent of child abuse and support those that have experienced child abuse trauma. I have also included a podcast in this post where I highlighted a few resources that I felt did a great job presenting information, training, and immediate aid for those who are currently experiencing child abuse or are a survivor of child abuse. My hope is that these resources will be helpful and provide aid to those who are in need.

 

CHILD USA is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit think tank that conducts evidence-based legal, medical, and social science research to identify laws and policies affecting child protection. With these facts, CHILD USA shines a light on the better pathways to truly protect kids from abuse and prevent neglect. Children’s Healthcare is a Legal Duty. Sexual abuse and the maltreatment of children have an all too frequent impact on Children’s health. These acts often occur in secret, behind closed doors, but have public consequences.  Victims, their families, and the public pay a high price even decades after the violence ends.  CHILD USA is a child abuse nonprofit that cuts through the shame and the secrecy to gather and analyze the data behind abuse and neglect.

 

Darkness to Light is a leader in child sexual abuse prevention and uses the power of behavior change to protect children. Darkness to Light utilizes a Social Behavior Change framework to guide our work in preventing child sexual abuse. Social Behavior Change is a proven approach for enabling changes at individual, community, and societal levels to improve health and overall well-being. You can check out their blog here: https://www.d2l.org/blog/

 

The mission of Stop the Silence: Stop Child Sexual Abuse is to expose and stop child sexual abuse and help survivors heal worldwide. Our overarching goals are to:

  1. Promote healing of victims and survivors
  2. Celebrate the lives of those healed; and
  3. Underscore child sexual abuse as a social justice and civil rights issue.

They work to address the relationships between child sexual abuse and the broader issues of overall family and community violence, and violence within and between communities.

Their focus underlines the importance of a shift in focus on positive development within our social complexes (e.g., the relationships between men, women, adults and children, cultural groups) to support peaceful – and to hinder violence-prone – relationships.

 

The purpose of NAASCA, to address issues related to childhood abuse and trauma including sexual assault, violent or physical abuse, emotional traumas and neglect .. and they do so with only two goals:

1) educating the public, especially as related to helping society get over its taboo of discussing childhood sexual abuse (CSA), presenting facts showing child abuse to be a pandemic, worldwide problem that affects everyone

2) offering hope and healing through numerous paths, providing many services to adult survivors of child abuse and information for anyone interested in the many issues involving prevention, intervention and recovery

 

**PLEASE ENJOY OUR PODCAST**

Posted on by Tameya Robinson | Leave a comment

Home Alone and Child Abuse

Recently, I watched Home Alone with my students.

I’ve always loved this Christmas classic. I’ve watched it every year since I can remember. It wasn’t until I was watching it with my students that I realized the real problem with this movie.

My students laughed at the treatment Kevin received.

They laughed.

They laughed at him after his mother grabbed his wrist and asked, “What is the matter with you?” after he got in a fight with his older brother, Buzz, and accidentally spilled some milk.

They laughed when his dad (or uncle maybe?) yelled, “Look what you did you little jerk.”

They laughed with his siblings and cousins joined in. “Kevin, you’re such a disease.” “Phlegm wad.” “Idiot.”

Poor Kevin even asked his mother, “Why do I always get treated like skunk?” Her reply? “There are fifteen people in this house and you’re the only one that has to make trouble.”

Kevin replies, “I’m the only one getting dumped on.”

His mother responds, “You’re the only one acting up.” She then forces him up to the third floor of their house when Kevin is clearly scared to venture up there.

As Kevin walked up the stairs, he stopped to look at his mother and say, “Everyone in this family hates me.”

At that point, she could have done the motherly thing and reassured him. She could have told him that his comment wasn’t true, that she loves him, that his father loves him. Instead, she told him that maybe he should ask Santa for a new family.

Of course, the verbal abuse isn’t the worst part. They left him home alone when they went on a trip to Paris!

The entire premise of the movie is based on child abuse – neglect.

And the whole time, my students were rolling in laughter.

That led me to wonder if movies like this have made child abuse normalized in a way. Do people think this is the proper way to treat children? Why do we use children’s misfortune as a source of laughter and comedic relief? Now, I know Macaulay Culkin (the actor that plays Kevin) was not actually being abused or neglected, that he was simply portraying a character, but I still maintain my point. Using children’s misfortune as comedic relief is absolutely asinine.

This inspired me to create this video about Hollywood’s use of child abuse in their movies. Some of the examples might shock you. Check it out and let us know how you feel about using child abuse in movies!

Posted on by Mary Gondringer | Leave a comment

Survivor Stories: Leah T. (name changed for privacy)

“STEALING”

Minnesota State SVG Cut File - Snap Click Supply Co.

Photo Credit: Google Images

We are eating boiled macaroni noodles with hamburger and mushy, stewed tomatoes. It’s all mixed in together. I don’t like tomatoes, so I push them around and wedge them against the edge of my plate. I hunt for the macaroni first. And the hamburger after that. This is rather an ill thought out plan because, in this house, we must always clean our plate. So, despite my dislike of tomatoes, I will still have to eat them. And now without the macaroni or hamburger to help cover their yuck. I decide I am going to swallow large gulps of milk after I spoon in the tomatoes. Maybe that will help.

My cousin is here. He lives on a farm just up the road. He is standing in the kitchen. Over by the countertops. Next to the microwave. He is waiting there while we finish. My dad asked him if he would like to sit down and join us, but he said no because he already ate. I am not sure why he is here. Maybe to help my dad. Or to do something with my older brother.

There is a basket next to the microwave on the counter. It’s filled with “junk.” The junk is mostly stuff that comes from people’s pockets, like pennies and match books and Chapstick tubes and pieces of string. My cousin is mindlessly digging in the basket as he is standing there. I can hear the coins clinking against one another as he thumbs through them. In that moment, I don’t know why I say it. But I do. I think it’s because I am six years old and trying to be funny. I don’t mean any harm. But I say it. “Whatcha doin’ over there? Stealin’?”

Are you ready? Here it comes.

________________________________________________________________________________

What Is Physical Abuse?

Photo Credit: Google Images

A hot flash of light. At the corner of my eye. My dad yells. “LEAH*!!” Loudly. In his terrible, scary voice. In that same flash of light. It strikes. The lightning. He clobbers me. With his big hand. Across my head. Dizzy. The mean voice. “Don’t you ever say that again!” At the table. Stillness. Silence. Everyone looks down. Staring. At their plates. Paralyzed. Afraid. Me. Shaking. With terror. I stammer out the words. “I’m sorry.” He is looking at me. With those cold, hard eyes. In that crossed over place. That land of monsters and darkness and terrible screams and falling through the black sky forever and ever. A burning hot lump. Swelling. Inside my throat. Choking me. Hot tears. Clouding my eyes. The fear. The strongest. Always the strongest! Knocking my heart around. In my chest. Throwing it. With brute force. Against my ribs. Against my sternum.

My mind. Reeling. Is it over? Is it over? Please, let it be over. Is another blow coming? To knock me out of my chair? To let loose my bladder? To take away my breath? To steal all the light from the room?

Is it over?

BLACK.

I don’t remember what happens after that. It’s all fuzzy. In my mind. Like it is for many of these instances.

But I ask myself…

How did we move on in this moment? And the many moments like it? Did we choke down our food in silence and clear our plates? Did we resume conversation and pretend like nothing happened? Did we quietly disappear when our dad turned his head? How did we steal away from the fear? And the pain? Did we hide in the corner and cover our heads? Did we leave our bodies? And float into space? Did we grow wings and take flight? Did we dig a hole and burrow into the ground? Did we sneak off in the night and get lost in the darkness? Did we scream at the sky until our lungs burned red with fire? Did we walk off toward the horizon? Did we run? And run? And run? And run and run?

Yes.

We did.

*Name changed for privacy*

Posted on by Tameya Robinson | Leave a comment

Child Abuse Statistics & Facts

Scope of the Child Abuse Issue

Children are suffering from a hidden epidemic of child abuse and neglect. It’s a widespread war against our children that we have the power to stop, and understanding the issue is the first step. Just how bad is the issue of child abuse in the United States?

Every year more than 3.6 million referrals are made to child protection agencies involving more than 6.6 million children (a referral can include multiple children).

The United States has one of the worst records among industrialized nations – losing on average between four and seven children every day to child abuse and neglect. 1, 2

A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds.

Yearly, referrals to state child protective services involve 6.6 million children, and around 3.2 million of those children are subject to an investigated report.2

In 2014 alone, state agencies found over 702,000 victims of child maltreatment,2 but that only tells part of the story.
This would pack 10 modern football stadiums

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Health Impacts of Child Abuse

The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention links adverse childhood experiences (which include other household dysfunctions along with abuse and neglect) with a range of long-term health impacts. 4

Individuals who reported six or more adverse childhood experiences had an average life expectancy two decades shorter than those who reported none. 5

Ischemic heart disease (IHD), Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD), liver disease and other health-related quality of life issues are tied to child abuse.

Mental Health Disorders, Addictions, & Related Issues
  • Risk for intimate partner violence
  • Alcoholism and alcohol abuse
  • Illicit drug abuse
  • Smoking & drinking at an early age
  • Depression
  • Suicide attempts
Sexual & Reproductive Health Issues and Risk Factors
  • Multiple sexual partners
  • Sexually transmitted diseases
  • Unintended pregnancies
  • Early initiation of sexual activity
  • Adolescent pregnancy and Fetal death

In one study, 80% of 21-year-olds who reported childhood abuse met the criteria for at least one psychological disorder. 6

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Financial Impacts of Child Abuse

The long-term financial impact of abuse and neglect is staggering.

For new cases in 2008 alone, lifetime estimates of lost worker productivity, health care costs, special education costs, child welfare expenditures and criminal justice expenditures added up to $124 billion.8

This could send 1.7 million children to college!

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Child Abuse Fatalities

We must learn to recognize early signs of abuse in order to help save the 5 children that die every day from child abuse and neglect.

In 2014, state agencies identified an estimated 1,580 children who died as a result of abuse and neglect — between four and five children a day.2 However, studies also indicate significant undercounting of child maltreatment fatalities by some state agencies by 50% or more.10

That’s roughly ¼ of your child’s elementary school class!
               

More than 70% of the children who died as a result of child abuse or neglect were two years of age or younger. More than 80% were not yet old enough for kindergarten.3

Around 80% of child maltreatment fatalities involve at least one parent as perpetrator. 3

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Behavioral Health and Crime Related to Child Abuse

Substance Abuse and child maltreatment are tragically and undeniably linked.

In a study of 513 children exposed to drugs in-utero, rates of abuse were two to three times that of other children in the same geographical area. 9

  
As many as two-thirds of the people in treatment for drug abuse reported being abused or neglected as children. 11

 

 

 

 

14% of all men in prison and 36% of women in prison in the USA were abused as children, which is about twice the frequency seen in the general population.12

Children who experience child abuse & neglect are about 9 times more likely to become involved in criminal activity. 12

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RESOURCES

Posted on by Tameya Robinson | Leave a comment

Now He’s Dating the Class Valedictorian

I was teaching sophomore English in a low-income school. For some reason, I have a tendency to attract the kids who’ve gone through trauma. I don’t know what it is about me, but kids tell me things, things that hurt my heart and make me go home and cry for them because I can’t help them.

This particular student, Jackson (name changed for privacy), was in my sophomore English class and my advisory, so we chatted often. One day, he made a comment about how he didn’t have wireless Internet at home, and I replied, “No?” Simple question that yielded a lot more information than I anticipated.

Side note: The school was 1-to-1, where each student was issued a Chromebook to take home. Unfortunately, Chromebooks don’t work all that well without wireless Internet. So, regardless of the fact that students had their own devices, I still did not assign homework because of the story Jackson told me…

He replied, “Ms. Gondringer. I’m lucky to have a roof over my head.” I must have made a surprised face because he continued with roughly the following story:

Between his 4th and 8th grade school years, he considered himself “homeless” with his older sister. They lost their mother when Jackson was really young (I think a year or two old) and Dad was left to raise the kids. I’m not clear on what happened between the time his mom died and when he became homeless in 4th grade. Jackson we wasn’t legally homeless because he and his sister still lived with their dad. But…

Dad didn’t trust the kids with a key to the house. Dad was also an alcoholic. Dad spent pretty much all his time at the bar. He’d go to work and then walk uptown to the local bar. He’d stay there until who knows when. He’d stumble home, sometimes not even making it to his home, and pass out in a ditch somewhere. All the while, the kids were sleeping in the truck in the yard, because remember, Dad didn’t trust them with a key to the house. Jackson talked about stashing blankets under the truck seats or in their school lockers so when the dead of winter hit, he and his sister could snuggle in close and share body heat under the blankets they had. Sometimes they’d get lucky and head into the house in the middle of the night, after Dad got home. He usually didn’t relock the door. They could go in, grab food, clothes, take a shower, and head off to school the next day. This went on for four years.

Eventually, and again, details are fuzzy here, but eventually, Jackson’s aunt found out what was happening and rescued the two kids. That was when Jackson was an 8th grader. He was still living with his aunt when he was a sophomore and in my class.

Two years later, Jackson graduated high school with honors. He was part of the National Honor Society and was one of the highest-ranking individuals in his graduating class. This picture is of Jackson from his graduation day, visiting his mother’s grave. (All personal details have been blocked out to protect privacy.) In the picture, you can see his NHS collar as well has the red cord, the school’s symbol for honors.

He’s also now dating the Valedictorian from the class that graduated two years behind him. He’s done really well for himself, despite his rocky upbringing. He’s proof that people can and do get out of terrible situations!

This story still hurts just as bad as the day Jackson told me about it. The fact that a parent can be that reckless and neglect their children like that sickens me. Something has to be done about people like this. There’s no reason for abuse like this to happen.

Thank you so much for reading! Stories like this need to be told.

Posted on by Mary Gondringer | Leave a comment

Why Does it Smell like Weed in Here

Parent teacher conferences are fun (#sarcasm). They’re especially fun when parents leave and your room smells oddly skunky.

Weed. Marijuana. Pot.

That parent was definitely smoking the reefer right before he came into my classroom.

An interesting parent.

And rude.

And missing most of his teeth.

He walked into my room, abruptly sat down and asked,

“How’s the f***er doing?”

How am I supposed to respond to that?

I asked him which student I was looking for. He looked at me like I was speaking to him in German. It was my first year in the school and I didn’t know the parents; clearly, he was insulted by this.

Gruffly, he replied, “Billy (name changed for privacy)?” Almost like, “duh, you should have known that.” (facepalm emoji)

I pulled up Billy’s grade. He was receiving a B.

 

Dad: “Wow. He’s that smart, huh? Or is that a pity grade?”

Me: “No, Sir. Billy is a very good student. He works hard, hands his work in on time, and produces high quality work.”

Dad: “Wow. He’s really not that smart, you know. Is he cheating?” (angrily) “You tell me if he’s cheating. I’ll beat his a**!”

Me: “No, Sir. He’s not cheating. He is doing the work all on his own and he truly is a very good student. I thoroughly enjoy having your son in my class.”

Dad: “Well holy f***ing sh*t. I don’t know whether or not I should believe you. Seems like someone’s not being truthful. Billy is stupid.”

Me: “Well, the semester isn’t over so I guess we will have to see how his grade changes by the end of the semester. In the meantime, do you have any other questions or concerns for me?”

Dad: “Yeah. He behaving himself ok?”

Me: “Yes, Sir, he is.”

Dad: “He better be. You let me know if he’s not and I’ll whoop his a**.”

Me: “Will do. Thanks for stopping by and have a great day. Please feel free to contact me if….”

By then he was out the door.

He walked out. I breathed a sigh of relief and immediately walked down to my principal’s office to ask her what was up with that family.

She told me a story:

Billy lived in a trailer home on the outskirts of town. The home was in complete disrepair and should have been condemned. She thought it might have been condemned in the past but was not sure. Either way, during the summers, the family basically let their home go back to nature. That sounds so weird, I know, but they removed all the windows and doors. They claimed that they were “letting the fresh air in.”

She asked me if I ever noticed how bad Billy smelled. Of course, I had. Billy was such a kind kid, but no one wanted to be friends with him because he smelled so bad. She said their home didn’t have laundry facilities, so it’s very possible Billy’s clothes hadn’t been washed in weeks.

Beyond his clothes, she said since they basically let their home to go nature in the warm months, the floors are covered with animal excrement.

She told me a story about how one time Billy woke up in the morning, rolled out of bed, and during the night, he had killed an entire litter of bunnies. Apparently, mama bunny had her babies on his bed and he didn’t realize it when he climbed into bed for the night. During the night, he rolled over on the entire litter and killed them all. She said, knowing the parents and the home, probably no one cleaned up the dead baby bunnies and they could have been in his bed for weeks.

Hearing this blew my mind. How could someone live like this? How was it that Billy was still living with his parents? How did the system not rescue him yet? My principal’s answer to my question was, “The system is broken.”

Sad.

I went back to my classroom to finish conferences. I was very broken-hearted and my heart hurt for Billy.

I went back to my classroom. I went back to my desk. I sat down. And I waited for the next parent to come in.

Before I could get lost in my thoughts, my next parent walked in and asked,

“Why does it smell like weed in here?”

This was clearly neglect. Like my last story about Kevin, this is a form of child abuse that wouldn’t come to mind when claiming someone was being abused, but living in the conditions Billy was living in was definitely neglect. It’s was very sad. Very sad indeed.

Posted on by Mary Gondringer | Leave a comment